Thursday, September 2, 2010

Cant wait for the next couple of weeks!

So I recently found a lady through a support group for infant loss. and she informed me of a lady that draws pictures of infants. I sent her a picture of my son as well as his foot prints and she is going to sketch a picture of my sweet son. I commisioned her to draw a 11x14 picture that we can put on our wall. We have pictures of marcus but some people are offended by what they are so we have refraind from hanging them in my home or posting them for people to see. We are thrilled to be able to display a picture of marcus without feeling we are offending anyone. The artist is start the portrait this week and should have it done within the next couple of weeks. This is her website if anybody want to check out some of her amazing work. :)

Friday, June 11, 2010

Life is like a box of chocolates.....

Oh how true. Life is definitely like a box of chocolates you really never do know what you are going to get. There are times that I look at the sky and ask God why he took our son, why he had to die, when the pain will stop, and when my heart will finally start to feel normal again, when will it be our turn. And then he simply reminds me that this is the new me.... this is what my trials have made me and this is the path that I am supposed to take and that I have to have patience. I don't understand it and I don't think that I ever will. I often think I am being punished for something I did, that maybe if I had just been a better person I wouldn't have to see everyone around me be so happy with there little families yet I go to sleep in a quiet house. And then God reminds me of the blessings I do have. I have an amazing husband that loves me and that someday I may be able to give him another child that we will get to keep. I have a beautiful home and a warm bed. I have rainstorms and sunshine and happy days full of memories. I have sunset paddle boat rides and late night car rides. I have a hand to hold and the inspiration to do things I never thought I would be able to. If given the chance to go back to when we decided to have a baby and knowing what I know now I would have done it all over again. If I knew my son would die and that I would be left with empty arms I would have still jumped at the chance to be his mom even if it was only for a little while. When we were in the hospital and I had found out that our baby was a boy my heart sank... I knew that I would have to watch Robert hold his little boy and knew that it would be the last time I would see them together for a very long time. Thank goodness for eternal marriage and that we know that we will one day be able to be with our son for forever. Thank goodness for the knowledge that families are forever and that I will someday get to embrace my son and tell him how proud I am of the things that he has done. Heavenly Father granted us the peace to know that our son had done great things and that he was to perfect to come to this earth... That he had already earned his place in the eternities and that makes me so proud of him. This past weekend Robert and I went up to the red canyon lodge at Flaming Gorge. We went on a paddle boat ride around the lake and we saw so many beautiful things and it made me realize life is beautiful in all its messiness, and unpredictability. Some days it can suck but for one bad day there are probably about ten happy ones, for every tear there is a smile and for every sorrow there is a blessing. And for that fact I am grateful.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Life as of right now.

Well life is a never ending roller coaster and if there is anything that Robert and I have learned is that if you wanna hear God laugh tell him your plans. Life is definately full of heartache and at times the world doesn't seem fair but then we just try to remember how blessed we actually are. We are trying to take steps forward in life and so good so far but every once in a while something happens to rip open old wounds. We have made some decisions about our lives and hopefully they won't fall apart also. Some of the plans we have for the summer involve alot of camping, fishing, and just spending lots of time together. I June we plan on going to Montana for a week to enjoy some fishing and hiking. We are going to be staying in these really fun old rustic cabins up in the mountains. In July we are going to Lake Powell for some fun in the sun and in August we are talking about going to Washington to go deep sea fishing. We went last year and loved it. Originally Robert was going to propose in Washington when we were there last year but I am really glad he didnt wait that long. So hopefully we can have a good summer with lots of fun and lots of time spent recovering from the hard year that we have had so far.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Rain to Rainbows A Poem From My Heart

From Rain to Rainbows

By Jennifer Jackman

Dedicated to my dear Husband Robert, my Angel baby Marcus Levi, and my rainbows yet to come.

To my siblings yet to come
Let me tell you this today
I’ve gone to earth and felt the love
But also paved the way

When from heaven I departed
I was a little scared
But when I reached my destination
I knew that love was there

I knew the plan
And had agreed to all the things to come
But little did I know
I would have to leave such love

Let me tell you this our mom and dad
Have so much love to give
And when you get to earth
You will see how perfectly you fit

For I heard our mommy’s heartbeat
And I felt our daddy’s hands
And when they are together
The love they share is grand

I miss them oh so dearly
And give comfort when I can
But God has a job for me now
And I cannot let him down

So my dear siblings
I have a job for you
When you get to mom and dad
I have something I need you to do

Let Daddy know I’m still his pal
And will be forever more
For when he gets to heaven
We’ll sit along the shore

Make sure you give mommy
Twice as many hugs
And when she gives you kisses
Know they are sent from god above

For she is very special
And God knows that to be true
For only certain mommies
Can do what she can do

The dreams she had were oh so grand
And the plans she had were to
But little did she know
God had his own plans to

For when God called me home
She had to be so brave
And let her baby go
And lay my body in a grave

So when you get down to her arms
And feel the love she has
Just know that she has felt great pain
And to have you makes her glad

And when our daddy big and strong
Holds you in his hands
Just know his heart is softened
From the trials that he’s had

I wish I could be with them
And miss them every day
But my time on earth was brief
For I was not meant to stay

But the journey that is ahead of you
Will be so very grand
For you will have loving parents
To always hold your hand

And one more thing before I go
I feel I need to say
That I love our mommy and daddy
Each and every day

And when you feel the time is right
I have one more favor to ask
Please tell our parents oh so dear
Of all the love I have

Thursday, March 25, 2010

What Makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes. And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother and
I know I heard him say,

A mother has a baby.
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a mother
when your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, He replied
with confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this. God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of life and love and fear.
My Mommy loved me, Oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me,
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy, Oh so much,
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
'Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'"

So you see, my dear sweet one,
your children are okay.
Your babies are here in MY home
and this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with ME
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother—
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with ME one day,
and know you're the best one

I love you baby Marcus!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Life can sometimes really suck.

       So I havent updated  my blog in a really long time... and for good reasons. On October 12, 2009 me and Robert found out that we were pregnant, and that our baby would be due on June 30, 2010. We we so excited and couldnt wait. Everything was going good for the most part, a few complications here and there but most of them subsided by the 2nd trimester... or so we had thought. On February 1, 2010 we made an emergency visit to the doctor cause I had been having a lot of back pain and a lot of cramping. They did an exam and found that my babies sac was bulging through my cervix and I was sent to the hospital immediately. After getting to the hospital i was tipped upside down at a 10 degree angle to see if gravity would pull the sac back up in. I layed in that position for 18 hours and nothing happened.

     At 7 the next morning I went in for an emergency cerclage. they were able to get the sac back up in but during the process there was a pin size whole punctured. They continued and put the stitch in because the babies head was down and blocking the whole. they were hoping if he stayed it would seal shut again.
I spent the next five days in the hospital and everything was looking good until the middle of the night on Wednesday. That night the baby flipped from be head down to being breech. and the whole started to leak like crazy. During the day the leaking would stop and during the night it would gush. It was litterally a living hell. One minute i would have my baby and the next he was slipping away from me.

   Eventually there was no fluid around the baby and he he went back to our Heavenly Father. I had the cerclage out and gave birth to him at 9:35 pm on February 6, 2010 at 19.5 weeks. We didnt know that we had a little boy until he was born and we decided to name him Marcus Levi Jackman and his daddy gave him a blessing. He was so handsome. and I didn't want to let him go but sadly I had to. But I cant even express how grateful I am that I got to hold and kiss him. He looked like his daddy but he had my nose. I will never forget those precious moments that I got to spend with my little boy. I only wish his daddy could of felt how hard he could kick. He is such a blessing even though he isnt here with us and I just hope i will get him again someday.

     Somedays are still really really hard for me and Robert and most the time we sit and talk about the things we wish we could see him do. I would give anything to hear him cry, or see his daddy teach him how to fish. eventually the feeling of loss that we have will ease but it will never go away. And every night i pray to know that he is okay and that he is being taken care of. I wish I could have done something different but after doing everything humanly possible he still had to go home.

     Marcus Levi Jackman was buried February 10, 2010 in the Lyman Wyoming Cemetery, next to his great great Grandma and Grandpa. His daddy dedicated his grave and his cousins, aunts and uncles let baby blue ballons go for him. I can never express how grateful I am for all the love and support that everyone has shown at this absolutely terrible time in our lives. Little Marcus is very loved by so many people but none more that his Mommy and Daddy.

I love you my angel baby. I cant wait to hold and kiss on you again my little Marcus.

My angels name written in the sand in Australia.