Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Life can sometimes really suck.

       So I havent updated  my blog in a really long time... and for good reasons. On October 12, 2009 me and Robert found out that we were pregnant, and that our baby would be due on June 30, 2010. We we so excited and couldnt wait. Everything was going good for the most part, a few complications here and there but most of them subsided by the 2nd trimester... or so we had thought. On February 1, 2010 we made an emergency visit to the doctor cause I had been having a lot of back pain and a lot of cramping. They did an exam and found that my babies sac was bulging through my cervix and I was sent to the hospital immediately. After getting to the hospital i was tipped upside down at a 10 degree angle to see if gravity would pull the sac back up in. I layed in that position for 18 hours and nothing happened.

     At 7 the next morning I went in for an emergency cerclage. they were able to get the sac back up in but during the process there was a pin size whole punctured. They continued and put the stitch in because the babies head was down and blocking the whole. they were hoping if he stayed it would seal shut again.
I spent the next five days in the hospital and everything was looking good until the middle of the night on Wednesday. That night the baby flipped from be head down to being breech. and the whole started to leak like crazy. During the day the leaking would stop and during the night it would gush. It was litterally a living hell. One minute i would have my baby and the next he was slipping away from me.

   Eventually there was no fluid around the baby and he he went back to our Heavenly Father. I had the cerclage out and gave birth to him at 9:35 pm on February 6, 2010 at 19.5 weeks. We didnt know that we had a little boy until he was born and we decided to name him Marcus Levi Jackman and his daddy gave him a blessing. He was so handsome. and I didn't want to let him go but sadly I had to. But I cant even express how grateful I am that I got to hold and kiss him. He looked like his daddy but he had my nose. I will never forget those precious moments that I got to spend with my little boy. I only wish his daddy could of felt how hard he could kick. He is such a blessing even though he isnt here with us and I just hope i will get him again someday.

     Somedays are still really really hard for me and Robert and most the time we sit and talk about the things we wish we could see him do. I would give anything to hear him cry, or see his daddy teach him how to fish. eventually the feeling of loss that we have will ease but it will never go away. And every night i pray to know that he is okay and that he is being taken care of. I wish I could have done something different but after doing everything humanly possible he still had to go home.

     Marcus Levi Jackman was buried February 10, 2010 in the Lyman Wyoming Cemetery, next to his great great Grandma and Grandpa. His daddy dedicated his grave and his cousins, aunts and uncles let baby blue ballons go for him. I can never express how grateful I am for all the love and support that everyone has shown at this absolutely terrible time in our lives. Little Marcus is very loved by so many people but none more that his Mommy and Daddy.

I love you my angel baby. I cant wait to hold and kiss on you again my little Marcus.

My angels name written in the sand in Australia.