Friday, June 11, 2010
Oh how true. Life is definitely like a box of chocolates you really never do know what you are going to get. There are times that I look at the sky and ask God why he took our son, why he had to die, when the pain will stop, and when my heart will finally start to feel normal again, when will it be our turn. And then he simply reminds me that this is the new me.... this is what my trials have made me and this is the path that I am supposed to take and that I have to have patience. I don't understand it and I don't think that I ever will. I often think I am being punished for something I did, that maybe if I had just been a better person I wouldn't have to see everyone around me be so happy with there little families yet I go to sleep in a quiet house. And then God reminds me of the blessings I do have. I have an amazing husband that loves me and that someday I may be able to give him another child that we will get to keep. I have a beautiful home and a warm bed. I have rainstorms and sunshine and happy days full of memories. I have sunset paddle boat rides and late night car rides. I have a hand to hold and the inspiration to do things I never thought I would be able to. If given the chance to go back to when we decided to have a baby and knowing what I know now I would have done it all over again. If I knew my son would die and that I would be left with empty arms I would have still jumped at the chance to be his mom even if it was only for a little while. When we were in the hospital and I had found out that our baby was a boy my heart sank... I knew that I would have to watch Robert hold his little boy and knew that it would be the last time I would see them together for a very long time. Thank goodness for eternal marriage and that we know that we will one day be able to be with our son for forever. Thank goodness for the knowledge that families are forever and that I will someday get to embrace my son and tell him how proud I am of the things that he has done. Heavenly Father granted us the peace to know that our son had done great things and that he was to perfect to come to this earth... That he had already earned his place in the eternities and that makes me so proud of him. This past weekend Robert and I went up to the red canyon lodge at Flaming Gorge. We went on a paddle boat ride around the lake and we saw so many beautiful things and it made me realize life is beautiful in all its messiness, and unpredictability. Some days it can suck but for one bad day there are probably about ten happy ones, for every tear there is a smile and for every sorrow there is a blessing. And for that fact I am grateful.